urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987 nothing's constant (: 2009-12-30T00:54:31Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:144450 2009-12-30T00:47:48Z 2009-12-30T00:54:31Z maybe deep inside i have been harbouring some hope, wat e said was so right, im not willing to let go not becos i think i'll be happy with him and i see us together forever but more of me subconsciously thinking that he will change. well don expect anyone to change, becos it is VERY&nbsp;HARD to change. i've tried, if i think it's so hard i don have the right to expect others to change. so if i choose to go back to him eventually, that simply means that im willing to take all the same old things again, and i no longer have the right to complain becos i chose my path myself. <br /><br />i knw i don wan to go thru the same old shit. in a relationship i don believe in only one party being in the wrong. takes 2 hands to clap. and to me, no matter how logical and reasonable my thinking is, if that makes my bf/gf unhappy, i'll compromise becos ultimately im in a relationship becos i wan both parties to be happy. <br /><br />i did alot of mistakes over the past 1.5yrs. and i sincerely apologized for most. i know there are some that i admit i wasnt sincere bcos i think i din do anything wrong. but i know you don like it so to me maybe im wrong after all. bcos ultimately my bf being happy is what i wan in my life. <br /><br />im not really missing him, jus feeling out of place becos i usually jus grab my phone and sms/call him whenever i want. i know it's rehab time. it's gonna be really hard to get over it but i still have to do it. i wanna jus talk to him like a normal friend but im just afraid that i wldn't be able to get out if i do. <br /><br />to me, the relationship is dead after the clock strike midnight tml. i guess i'll find it much easier coping by then, live a life on my own and realize how much i shld cherish myself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:144309 2009-12-29T15:45:19Z 2009-12-29T15:45:19Z yay jus home dead beat. cant wait for tml's avatar movie!&nbsp;(: and good luck to all ntu students getting their results at 12mn! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:143829 2009-12-29T00:32:16Z 2009-12-29T00:32:16Z this time it feels so different. very different from the other times. i think i will be able to survive. everytime i think about what happened, i no longer feel sad, no longer miss you. ah ha! this is it! <br /><br />this week activities all planned out, next week im gonna sign up for cali fitness. im gonna make my life busy fun and happy. no longer like before (: urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:143197 2009-12-28T14:39:14Z 2009-12-29T09:06:04Z the moment i begged you and you pushed me away, my heart died. i'll walk away and not turn back anymore. i have enough frens to bring me through this. i will survive w/o you. in fact i believe after awhile, i will be much happier w/o you. <br /><br />and yes. i did not have a happy birthday because i broke up with my bf today and i cried the whole night. but i cried enough to kill my love for him. enough is enough.<br /><br />happy birthday to me.<br /><br /><br /><br />stacy is the sweetest ever he played the guitar and sang me miss you like crazy from moffatts. even thou the lyrics will make me fucking emo but the ignorance shall not be blamed. this is what friends are for!<br /><br />surprisingly, im looking forward to drinking with kirit. i guess at least he shows more interest in me than you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:143014 2009-12-28T06:55:34Z 2009-12-28T08:19:30Z i really wanna have a happy birthday. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:142729 2009-12-28T01:25:26Z 2009-12-28T01:25:26Z minus the quarreling in btw, ytd was good. we went to vivo for a walk had nice suckao @ chocolate bar went to sentosa took like a million polaroid shots on the beach. spent like abt 2hrs there den went back to vivo for dinner @ modesto's. food there was finee.. din really enjoy the main course but the soup and appetizer was good imo. den we started quarreling blah blah cos he had frens' gathering on nye and i wanted to spend time with him so we ignored each other for e rest of the night until 12mn was nearing things got much better i forced him to sing love songs to me we got tired and slept. as for nye ah i'll jus hope that he'll choose to spend time with me or i'll jus go drinking with kirit.<br /><br />anyhow hope today will be a fun day (:&nbsp; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:142405 2009-12-26T19:56:13Z 2009-12-26T19:56:13Z it's scary. im degrading myself to become someone whom i no longer can recognize. im starting to feel like a really inferior person, thinking that im so lousy i deserve no one hence i have to do everything to keep my man. i feel so embarrased to let ppl know what i do. how i beg and plead at times. how&nbsp;my mood depend so much on someone. how one sided my relationship and i still have swallow my pride and keep it going.&nbsp;i no longer see myself in me. i no longer wake up with a smiling face. now my life is just to make sure my man doesnt get angry with me. and if he does i'll do anything to keep him from being angry. im living a life&nbsp;for someone else already. im hating myself. because&nbsp;all these&nbsp;makes it hard for me to be happy. i knw i chosen this path myself and i totally deserve what is happening to me now. i know. god knows if it's worthwhile. im jus taking a gamble. <br /><br />happy is no longer a word in my dictionary. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:142113 2009-12-26T04:47:12Z 2009-12-26T04:47:12Z yesterday was so much fun!&nbsp;(:&nbsp;went to louis' bday cum xmas party. the band was great they did a really good job making everybody so high esp when louis sang! his dad is so cool he was dragged to play the electric guitar as well haha. but sadly i din manage to survive throughout the night cos damn surya got me SO&nbsp;SO DRUNK. he is like the KING of finger guessing game la! initially i was playing with alvin he was a total noob i was so excited in making him drunk but damnit surya appeared out of the blue and wanted to play the one hand finger guessing game ie only 0,5,10. tt was like sooo crazy i drank nearly every round and mind you it was pure russian&nbsp;vodka&nbsp;shots 40% ok! but i&nbsp;was sooooo determined to get him drunk i played round after round&nbsp;not wanting to stop until&nbsp;alex din allow me to&nbsp;continue i had to sit by him watching the rest play&nbsp;other games. den i&nbsp;the alcohol started rushing to&nbsp;my brain i started&nbsp;to puke so headed him at like 2plus zzz. i bet they&nbsp;had so much fun after that!! 2plus is like the START&nbsp;of the NIGHT!!!! ): but nvm still had fun took couple of funshots with my fake polaroid&nbsp;and oh ya brownie's like the cutest puppy everrrr took lots of photos of the louis couple and brownie haha happy&nbsp;family!!!<br /><br />yayy and in a while im going for a lil shopping with the&nbsp;hall9 girls before heading down to yy's place for the ultimate hall9 xmas party!!!&nbsp;yippie cant wait (: &nbsp; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:141986 2009-12-25T07:12:15Z 2009-12-26T04:49:32Z <p>xmas eve was at downtown east alex&amp;i were soooo late&nbsp; had fun camwhoring chatting and laughing all the way till movie time 1145. chipmunks was like the worst movie ever shldnt have watched it ok it was me who suggested but hello? the part 1 was like the best ever la!&nbsp;after that was pretty bad i was a huge quarrel with alex and basically i cried until i fall asleep. oh man i hope i din affect the mood of the rest of the ppl. ok i bet i did but damn im really sorry.</p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:141703 2009-12-24T00:35:01Z 2009-12-24T00:35:28Z <em>At first I was afraid<br />I was petrified<br />I kept thinking<br />I could never live without you by my side<br />But then I spent so many nights<br />Just thinking how you'd done me wrong<br />And I grew strong<br />I learned how to get along<br />So now you're back<br />From outer space<br />I just walked in to find you here<br />Without the look upon your face<br />I should have changed my f-ing lock<br />I would have made you leave your key<br />If I'd have known for just one second<br />You'd be back to bother me<br /><br />Oh now go,<br />Walk out the door<br />Just turn around now<br />You're not welcome anymore<br />Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire<br />Did you think I'd crumble<br />Did you think I'd lay down and die<br />Oh no, not I<br />I will survive<br />As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive<br />I've got all my life to live<br />I've got all my love to give<br />I will survive<br />I will survive<br />Yeah, yeah<br /><br />It took all the strength I had<br />Just not to fall apart<br />I'm trying hard to mend the pieces<br />Of my broken heart<br />And I spent oh so many nights<br />Just feeling sorry for myself<br />I used to cry<br />But now I hold my head up high<br />And you see me<br />With somebody new<br />I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you<br />And so you thought you'd just drop by<br />And you expect me to be free<br />But now I'm saving all my loving<br />For someone who's loving me<br /><br />Oh now go,<br />Walk out the door<br />Just turn around now<br />You're not welcome anymore<br />Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire<br />Did you think I'd crumble<br />Did you think I'd lay down and die<br />Oh no, not I<br />I will survive<br />As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive<br />I've got all my live to live<br />I've got all my love to give<br />I will survive<br />I will survive<br />Yeah, yeah</em> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:141397 2009-12-23T07:21:46Z 2009-12-23T07:31:13Z i cried while reading the letter xiaxue's bf wrote to her. damn hers is really a happy ever after love story. ultimately sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:141214 2009-12-23T06:34:22Z 2009-12-23T06:43:17Z these days im having alot of difficulties trying to curb wat i say to you. as usual im still getting pissed off over nothing im trying very very hard to not show that im pissed off and to convince myself that it's so stupid to be pissed off. it's really really hard. but i know that i can sense that things are slightly getting better. no matter what pls know that im already trying very very hard. so the last thing i wan to see is you getting angry with me cos im really trying. <br /><br />lovee. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:140880 2009-12-23T03:34:23Z 2009-12-23T03:34:23Z WOOHOOOOO!!! yesterday was like the BEST&nbsp;NIGHT ever GOTTA&nbsp;GET&nbsp;GET SEX&nbsp;BOMB and MAMBO&nbsp;NO.5 hahahaa when was the last time i went for karaoke man. and having sooooooooooooo fun ppl singing with me it cldnt make the party less exciting. we screamed like there were no tml danced like we were so dead drunk haha. we took like a million polaroids gonna wait for rin to scan it and i'll post someeeeee!!!! wheeeeee im so loved to be in my company haha nonstop action for 4hrs and we were still so high. <br /><br />was slightly frustrated cos i had no place to slp last night but managed to control my feelings but things got worse when my face started to peel and itch for the entire night. i felt so warm and i cant really slp. in the end i had to skip work and see a doc instead. ahhh hope my face will be fine by tml. it's the FESTIVE&nbsp;SEASON!!!!<br /><br />cant wait for alex to wake up and i'll be able to meet himmmmmmmmmm!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:140707 2009-12-22T00:54:06Z 2009-12-22T01:54:54Z <a href="http://pics.livejournal.com/micho1987/pic/000fy9kg/"><img height="240" border="0" width="240" alt="" src="http://pics.livejournal.com/micho1987/pic/000fy9kg/s320x240" /></a><br /><br /><br /> yippie yippie my loved xmas present. sth i can be happy abt amid all the unhappy happenings (: urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:140192 2009-12-21T01:00:49Z 2009-12-21T01:00:49Z anyway you guys out there should go to esplanade to get your wishing spheres!!! you'll be able to pen there your wishes and see your sphere be part of the visual arts installation in marina bay (: it's sooooooooooooo cool. my sphere's FULL of resolutions and wishes. indeed im not very contented with my life haha. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:139957 2009-12-19T04:23:51Z 2009-12-19T04:23:51Z it's not easy at all. feel like dying. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:139539 2009-12-19T03:27:42Z 2009-12-19T03:27:42Z tongjing sounds like a nice girl who's a nice personality. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:139432 2009-12-19T02:41:34Z 2009-12-19T02:56:41Z 有时候交谈变得空洞 沉默却像沟通<br /><br />当情人那麽沉重 当朋友反而轻松<br /><br /><br /><br />well it's going to be a worst xmas and bday ever. <br />stay strong michelle ho! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:139075 2009-12-18T18:36:58Z 2009-12-18T18:45:36Z believe it or not, i loved you. more than anything else, more than loving myself. but after all that have happened, i no longer know how to love you. it's tough to want to be loved by you. im not perfect, tt's why i face difficulties trying to change to the girl you want. i do unreasonable things in hope to get your love and concern. deep down i knw it wldnt work because you ain someone to be pushed around. but i donno why there's always sth in me that thinks that you might love me enough to want to make me happy, making sacrifices doing things that ain you. but i din know it always end up as a vicious cycle. the more i wan you to love me, the more you will shun me. i tot things will eventually work. i really tot so. i tot so long we love each other, after quarreling we will still hug and make up because we still love each other. but this love is making both of us so miserable. love and hate is really just a thin line apart. i don wan us to end up hating each other. maybe deep down we alr do. but i certainly don want to make things worse. maybe after awhile we can still be friends again.<br /><br />we look for different things in a relationship, not because any of us have the wrong perspective. it is just that we can find someone else to compliment each other better. as for me, i guess im better off single. maybe im not cut out to have a bf. maybe i really have some personality prob i need to improve on. but for now, im jus too tired to think about it. i just wanna rest well love myself more and enjoy the rest of my life being the real michelle ho. <br /><br />i've never doubted your love for me. i guess it's jus a different form of expressing it in which i cant really appreciate. let's face reality and hope both of us live a better life after this. im not sure if i can cope, but i knw i have no choice but to try. i have to be rational enough. it's going to be really tough. but i hope you will be strong enough to cope as well. as for me, im going to work really hard to forget about you. <br /><br />i loved you. but i guess i no longer do. <br /><br />as for friends around, yes im gonna be emotionally unstable frm now on. but i knw with you guys around i'll be able to tide through the entire thing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:138918 2009-12-18T16:20:24Z 2009-12-18T16:20:24Z nonstop music, chatting and slping in office the whole day. and prices out at 515! despite the discomfort it was like the best day at work (: urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:138592 2009-12-18T08:12:47Z 2009-12-18T16:21:43Z <em>Stars shining bright above you; Night breezes seem to whisper &quot;I love you.&quot; Birds singing in the sycamore tree. Dream a little dream of me. Say nighty-night and kiss me; Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me. While I'm alone, blue as can be, Dream a little dream of me. Stars fading but I linger on, dear--- Still craving your kiss. I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, Just saying this... Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you--- Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, Dream a little dream of me. Stars fading but I linger on, dear--- Still craving your kiss. I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, Just saying this... Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you--- Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, Dream a little dream of me.</em> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:138288 2009-12-18T03:09:58Z 2009-12-18T03:09:58Z i got wasted again. i got the whole quarreling thing going on again. i got left alone downstairs. i deserve it. <br /><br />i promise alex not to drink anymore. maybe this time i shld really keep my promise. i shld stop to prevent our relationship to get weaker and weaker urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:138064 2009-12-17T05:44:12Z 2009-12-17T05:44:44Z sometimes i really wish i can be more understanding and not lose my temper so easily. tt way life wun suck love wun hurt so much. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:137870 2009-12-17T00:48:37Z 2009-12-17T00:48:37Z ytd was gooood. hanged out w roomie and bff at pasta waraku. food was below avg i guess. but the company makes it all worthwhile. chilled till 10plus reached alex's @ 11plus went to bed after bathing. i donno why but i felt really distant towards alex ytd. felt really sad cos of all the unhappiness we are causing each other recently. how i wish nth like that happened and we were a really happy couple.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:micho1987:137554 2009-12-10T08:35:20Z 2009-12-10T08:35:20Z he came over for lunch and made me fell head over heels for him again. ahhhhh don care la jus live for the moment!!!